Of Memories and Grief

The year hasn’t been the best one for us, and then June hit us with a grief bomb.

While we were in the Jungle for my birthday celebration, I got a call from our pet sitter on June 3rd. She informed me that one of our birds (Apollo) had passed away. It wasn’t something we were expecting, nor something I’d ever thought to hear on a call, while we were not in the city. I hadn’t expected to hear these words for maybe another decade, if not longer.

Grief comes in waves, especially when you lose a pet. Is the house too silent? Are they up to no good? And then you remember. Sometimes you speak about them in the present and then need to correct yourself. Sometimes my head is full of things I want to write about him, but the moment I sit and type, everything gets clouded in grief. Memories meld together, but I know I do want to write some of his stories — for more people to remember him by.

Let’s begin with how I met him. Back in January 2016, S (who was a new friend at the time) messaged to ask if I could give her company as she collected a pair of birds. She was pretty new in the city and wasn’t comfortable doing it alone, so I, who anyway had a lot of free time waiting between experiments and results, was happy to tag along. We were handed the pair in a paper bag, and S asked me to hold on to the bag for most of the ride back to her place. My interaction went as far as peeking into the bag and telling them it was going to be alright.

Fast forward to later in the year, as we started dating and I moved in with S, I started spending more time with the pair. They slowly accepted me as part of the flock and would even climb on my extended hand. Honestly, the last eight years have been an experience, and I’ve only loved every one of our birds more and more with each passing day. They all have their own personalities and behaviors, and to be honest, they are like a mix of Cat and Dog operating systems inside a bird.

Over the years, Apollo had given us multiple scares. He needed major surgeries and did dumb things that could have ended badly if we weren’t around to keep a check on him, but honestly, we thought it would still be a decade before he left us.

We found out about it while he was at the bird sitter, and I was not expecting it. We arranged for them to take Apollo to the vet and to get a post-mortem done. While we still wait for some more results, the doctor thinks he had a seizure. The weather has also been at play and could have equally affected him. Also, we found out while he seemed to be acting normally and behaving as usual, he was having a few more issues. With birds, we can never tell; they are great at hiding, and how do you even figure something out if they behave exactly the same all the time?

Last Monday (June 9th), we went to the vet and collected his body, and then went to the crematorium. The fact that I was there when S brought him is something we talked about. We talked about how he lived, and how we couldn’t be the last person he saw before he moved on.

It was such a surreal experience to be at the crematorium. The last time I went to one was when one of my favorite people in the world passed away (my maternal grandmother). I was 24, I think, and then went for Apollo. We had to tell them a few times that we wanted his ashes, and they were not sure if such a small bird going into such a large incinerator would allow them to collect anything. We asked them to try, and even if they could just collect 5-10 grams, that was enough for us to keep. We did manage to get his cremains, and we felt relieved to have him in some form.

  Side note: At the crematorium a family who came to say goodbye to their pet dog, opened a packet of chocolate and put it in his mouth as part of his last rites. It was quite touching.

The week has been longer than it should have been. I miss his screams, I miss him meowing at me, I miss hearing him make gentle sounds while I’d work. I miss him. And we feel Zeus is somewhat affected by losing his roommate. They weren’t bonded to each other, but they would call out to each other if either one was taken to the next room. The week has been long as we keep an eye on Zeus and we give him medicine twice a day, hoping he gets better. We took him to the vet again, and his results are improved from the previous visit. The next week will be long too, while we worry about him and as his daily routine slowly changes.

I’ll most likely add to the post in the future, I have a lot more things to write, but just not sure how to write it so that it makes sense.

When Walty passed away few years back, I’d found some articles and reddit posts that had helped me, hopefully I can find those links somewhere in the bookmarks. I would like to read those words again.

In the mean time here’s something I’d stumbled across last year, and if you’re reading this post, I’d like to share with you - The surprising shame of pet loss: ‘You are supposed to think humans are more important than animals’