Disappointment

I finally got myself to watch ‘Polite Society’ and what a great movie, it does stumble a little on technicality, but overall it’s a great watch! Anyway, while watching it there’s this scene where Salim (Akshay Khanna) asks Lena (Ritu Arya) what she does and she replies with:

“I used to go to art school. But not anymore. Yeah, it didn’t really work out. So, to answer your question, what do I do? I disappoint my parents.”

I literally had to pause the film to think about that line. And one of the thoughts that stood out to me was this simple question: how often do we feel this way, especially as a Desi person? You could be doing everything that’s expected of you, but even then, chances are you feel like you’ve disappointed them.

And then I asked myself, I wonder if a Desi parent has ever felt that they might have disappointed their kids?

As a culture where we are told that the elders are always right, and can’t do anything wrong, and asking them questions is disrespecting them (or rather their authority), how can that person who has expectation and entitlement from years of privileged culture surrounding them, ever feel they owe an apology to someone younger than them?

They clearly think that a child who rebels against them can never be at fault; it’s obviously a friend influencing their child’s behaviour and decisions. Such parents want the child to be independent and think for themselves. I was often told, “listen to everyone but do what you think is right” - and yet there was always an undercurrent of “choose what we would have chosen and do what we want you to do.”

One of the last times I had an argument with my parents about them being overbearing, too pushy and controlling, and that being the reason for me to be as low contact (LC) as I could be without being no contact (NC) my father told me, “I bet every time you think of us (your parents) you feel disgust towards us.” I don’t think he could ever imagine how many times I’ve mourned the lack of a connection with them. Every time a friend with a great relationship with their parents lost one of them, I have mourned losing the chance of me being friends with mine. It was never disgust I felt for them, but just disappointment.

Time and time again, their behaviour would disappoint me. Their actions regarding my life choices, the person I love, and what I wanted to do in life, and instead of getting their support, all I was given were conditions and disappointment. Interrogations like “Who made you want to take up photography and ruined your life?” and suggestions like “Okay why don’t you move to Delhi and we will buy you any equipment you need, and connect you with people we know in the business.”

But now, after a long period of break from them (mostly going NC after they suggested I should adopt a child and hand it over to them to take care of it) I have realised that I don’t really feel disappointed anymore. Now, sometimes I feel pity for them and the hurtful behaviours they’ve exhibited over the years.

This dynamic isn’t just limited to families; I’ve started to see it reflected on a larger scale. In afterthought, the belief that elders are always right is probably why most of the elder generation is so happy with an almost authoritarian government. How can they ask questions about someone’s wrongdoing when they have put that person on a pedestal? How can they be disappointed by that person? They must suffer because if the elders have decreed it, it must have been well thought out.

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p.s. as for a weekly recommendation, I definitely suggest watching Polite Society if you have access to it.

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